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Standardisation of Gheyness


DarkAngel
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A proposal for the Quantification of Ghey

The purpose of this document is to try and establish a standardised and quantifiable set of units for measuring and evaluating levels of Gheyness.

The proposed unit of gheyness is the Thomas and is an absolute scale. There is nothing gheyer than a Thomas (without ghey additions) therefore everything is measured as a value relative to a Thomas. As a sub unit it is proposed that we use the Tinky-Winky. 10 Tinky-Winkys make 1 Thomas. Items less than a Thomas can either be expressed in decimal Thomases for example Ghost is half as ghey as Thomas so would rate as either 0.5 Thomas or 5 Tinky-Winkys. Through Additions it is possible, but rare, to get gheyer than 1 Thomas. For example A tutu has an individual rating of 0.1 Thomas (1 Tinky-Winky). If Thomas were to wear said tutu this would indeed give you a number greater than 1 Thomas(1.1 Thomas to be precise). This can either be expressed as 1.1 Thomas or a Thomas and a Tinky-Winky.

Complex scenario's can in fact yield startlingly high Thomas numbers. As previously discussed Ghost rates 0.5 Thomas. Stalin & RogueSnake both rate 0.4 Thomas. If Ghost, Stalin and Dave were all wearing tutu's and holding hands (0.1 Thomas) the combined total would be a staggering 1.9 Thomas. If they were then to be placed in a room with Thomas the resulting gheyness would be almost off the charts.

If a value is less than a full Tinky-Winky it is better to express this in Thomases. For example a value of 0.45 Thomas could be expressed as 4.5 Tinky-Winkys. Although technically correct there is a possible contradiction. Half a Tinky-Winky (especially if obtained with an Axe) stops being ghey and is potentially quite humorous. It is better to express these fractional parts in relation to Thomas. Half a Thomas is still as ghey as a full Thomas, even if obtained with an axe(maybe minus a couple of Tinky-Winkys for lack of repeatability).

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What is the conversion rate into Kelvin or Rankine to measure the degree to which Thomas flames?

0.00000000001673 Kelvin == 1 Thomas

They are quite fairy like and flammable in nature. So technically you can use Thomas to measure very low boiling and ignition points. Which is why Gheyness can be measured quite aptly using a Thomas measurement unit.

This measurement is commonly used to measure the Gheyness of an ARMA mission.

Unusually high levels of Thomas also can also result in the repeated shooting and reviving of team members because the mission is so Ghey a Gheyness frenzy ensues.

However we can also measure mission gheyness by measuring the timescale from "DARK has joined the session" until the point of "DARK has left the session"

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However we can also measure mission gheyness by measuring the timescale from "DARK has joined the session" until the point of "DARK has left the session"

The formula being:

current Thomas multiplied by seconds elapsed between the 'joined' to 'left' events... squared.

Obviously, levels of 'flaming gheyness' are achieved ridiculously quickly.

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IMO, I'd say that's a .2 Thomas.

If your Gheydar is that far out of calibration, you'd be best off keeping your back to the wall until you can get back to the shop to get it reset. Not only are Marius und Fritz just outright ghey, but they are dolls that like to dress up all butch, speak with fake Hollywood german accents, and refer to themselves as 'action figures'.

I mean c'mon. Look at Fritz. He wouldn't know a mark IV if it ran over him. He only choose the panzerwaffe tunic because he likes the pink piping.

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IMO, I'd say that's a .2 Thomas, and only because they're Luftwaffe, not SS. If they were SS, they'd rank at least a .61. And just out of curiosity, what's my reading on the Thomas scale? Due to my ignoring feature being active, it may take multiple assessments.

While it would be difficult to measure your absolute gheyness based on a single post it is possible to calculate a certain amount of it.

Speaking with absolute authority about a subject you self demonstrate you know nothing about. 5 Tinky-Winkys

While its ambiguous whether they are SS or Wehrmacht they are certainly not Luftwaffe. Dead give aways tend to be the lack of "Herman Goering" Cuff titles and not having the collar patches of 3 eagles on a blue background are a dead giveaway.

Correctly realizing that you do indeed rate a Ghey value and dropping yourself in it whilst stating the fact. 2 Tinky-Winkys

So just based on your post we can postulate at least 0.7 Thomas.

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While it would be difficult to measure your absolute gheyness based on a single post it is possible to calculate a certain amount of it.

Speaking with absolute authority about a subject you self demonstrate you know nothing about. 5 Tinky-Winkys

While its ambiguous whether they are SS or Wehrmacht they are certainly not Luftwaffe. Dead give aways tend to be the lack of "Herman Goering" Cuff titles and not having the collar patches of 3 eagles on a blue background are a dead giveaway.

Correctly realizing that you do indeed rate a Ghey value and dropping yourself in it whilst stating the fact. 2 Tinky-Winkys

So just based on your post we can postulate at least 0.7 Thomas.

After seeing what others said in their posts, I now rate Marius and Fritz as .59 Thomas. As for myself:

Speaking about something I said I was guessing about and then guessing: 2 Tinky-Winkys.

Correctly realizing I have a Ghey value: 1 Tinky-Winky.

Continuing on in this thread (which I plan to do): 3 Tinky-Winkys.

Actually doing it: 4 Tinky-Winkys.

Holy ****! I'm at 1 Thomas! Uh... Any bets on how farther my rating will go? ;)

Edit: Now for my addition to the Thomas scale. To account for slight lapses of gheyness, I now create the La-la, since Dark is busy naming his units of measurement after Telletubbies. There are 10 La-las in a Tinky-Winky, and 100 La-las in a Thomas.

Examples:

Someone creates a bad demotivational poster: 3 La-las.

Someone misses a point blank shot: 6 La-las.

Greevil goes off on his own and shreds steel: 1 La-la, because he does it so well.

A newb goes off on his own and gets killed: 5 La-las.

A newb goes off on his own and winds up in a far corner of the map: 8 La-las.

Fritz's pinky finger is raised: 1 La-la.

Edited by ChuikovChambered
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Sorry CC, I don't think the units of measurement promulgated by Dark are up for amendment and subdivision - Gheyness and the measurement thereof was put forth by our most eminent scholar on the matter, Dark, and junior and lessor scholars wishing to amend and otherwise extend Dark's theory on the measurement of Gheyness would, at the very least, need to submit their findings and analysis to a reputable journal of scholarship which publishes scholarly manuscripts in the area of the study and measurement of Gheyness, for the purposes of critique and peer review.

To spuriously put forth your own amendment is conjectural at best and perhaps a gesture more befitting of a Charlatan. Should you wish "La la" to enter into the pantheon of the metrics of Gheyness, I would boldly suggest you submit your work to the editor-for-life, Dark, of the following top journals in this area of study:

the Journal of the Unified Society for the Teleological Induction of Comprehensive Epistemology (JUSTICE, for short);

the Proceedings of the annual Feminine Ontologies for Reactionaries conference (FOR, for short);

or the Journal of the Global Hermeneutic Enlightenment for Youth Nearing Etymological and Syllogistic Simplicity (GHEYNESS, for short).

Upon successful publication in one ore more of these said repositories of Ghey scholarship, one would be able to take the floor and argue in defense of enhancements to and/or new measurements in the standardization of Gheyness. I will remind you that the historical acceptance rate for submitted manuscripts in these journals is so low that any actual measurement has been forgone for sometime now (but there IS a statistical chance, mind you).

For your unilateral abrogation of decorum in matters of the advancement of scholarship in the standardization of Gheyness, CC, you must bear the yoke of carrying a minimum of 1.0 Thomas at all times. Let this scarlet letter remind you of the sanctity of good scholarship and the importance of protocol.

Unless specifically pardoned by Dark, I'm affraid it's time for you to ride the scholarly pine... as it were. Of course, if Dark deems my rebuke out of line, I'll gladly accept a 2 Tinky-winky proviso to my contract as a member in good standing on the advisory board for the standardization of Gheyness.

Edited by tarball
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